three attempts (1/2)

first

it was a start of everything, but i was born in the higher class. i never met people out from the family border. it was boring though. so i preferred to socialise to people out from the house I lived. but a thing avoided me to have more interaction by myself alone to people outside the home. i went out with my butler. he was older than me, a mature one to take care of me when i wanted to have a fresh air beside the environment beside my manor.

one day, i saw a girl with long hair walking with slight jump, passing through the market i used to go for a path to go out from the house. she was very happy, swaying a basket in her grip to back and fro. but it was not only the first… i had seen her many times afterwards yet i never knew what her name was until the day i passed out. we passed each other.

i saw her shocking to see a crowd of crying people. it was my people — the family and the housekeeper who had paid attention a lot of my health. just because i could not bear the sickness for long, i gave up. but my soul had seen her passing by the crowd with shocked face. she was beautiful in white. however it’s too late. the moment when my dead body passed by her, i sensed she had married another man.

firstly i was glad when she found another man — well, i never thought in the end she was forced to marry an older man with many wives. my soul never be calm that time. i had watched over her. she could not bear a child because of the abuse. she never was treated as a noble lady. even when she had a sickness. none was sorrowful of her end while i was mad of myself for not being able to approach and propose her in the first place.

so i prayed to Heaven to let me have a beautiful life with her in the next life.

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two

It was the second life I had experience.

It was good at all. I was born in a good family again. For the sake of myself, I grew up in nice state. But i found her again. No, it’s him. She was born into a man. A good man at all. He studied well — not too mention how many achievements he got, I was proud of him.

Yet he did not remember anything else about the past life. Perhaps he had prayed to erase all the bad memories. However, he never raised in a good family like me, albeit he had a mother who supported him in all costs.

He had met good friends, but not close. He had become a wise one for everything. He prayed for a perfect partner. I was made for him.

Everything was good for the first time. I was thankful of having this good life. But it did not last long. We broke up. All the string that I’ve prayed for many nights before this second life, it became tangled. He had found out that the string was bound him and I together. It was everyone’s desire to meet their soulmate, the one who had made for them only. He was happy at the first place, but later…. he wished he ever be able to cut it off. Although he was unhappy to decide a break up for us.

Everything was going unwell after the break up. I still wished to have a good ending with him afterwards. But nothing good came for me.

It went for 4 years, and my parents had forced me to have a family. So there I was. Marrying a woman who I just met through blind date. She had a good smile, but never as warm as the one I loved so much. She was pretty but never be able to compete how pretty he was in my eyes. My parents was a bit happier to know I was agreed with the marriage thoughts.

But I wasn’t.

It was a remark where I had to live with another person.

I had to live with someone who never be my soulmate.

It’s the day before my matrimony day. I called him. I saw his name in my contact. I still saved his number but I was never brave enough to call him back then. His voice was still deep and flustering me. I wished I could be able to soothe myself to be calm when I saw him.

Every seconds became a thrilling moments of waiting for his arrival.

He was still the same. The same gorgeous who ever been in my hold. The same gorgeous man who relied so much on me. so did I. He wore the beautiful smile, the one I had found when I proposed him that time. Yeah — I proposed him, but I lost him in the end. I wished I could turn back the time or grabbed him now, the moment I saw him, and runaway for good.

It did not happen.

It’s him who left me again, for the second times. I saw a bitterness through his eyes but his smile distracted me to believe that he was okay. He was happy to see I bringing a good news. It was his wish to see me in the aisle with someone was better than him. Although it was impossible to find someone better than him. Even the bride was far from my taste. Just because she liked me, I married her despite the fact that I did not love her. I just pitied her at all.

On the day of my matrimony with the girl,

I barely seen him at the church. Even the groomsmen, which actually my friends who also his friends, asked about his attendance.

“Did you really ask him to come here, Joshua?” My friends showed a smug face on their face. “Do you really intend to hurt him again?” I shook my head. I had no intention of it, I just wish he would stand up and steal me from the bride. I just wanted to marry him, on the other hand, I could not dishonour my family by being that rude. I wandered my eyes throughout the church.

A women came to me, bringing a bouquet of baby’s breath and a little box. It was the box of my engagement ring with him. The box that I used when I proposed him that time. “I thought it was yours, Mr. Hong.” I smiled at him. My friends and my wife looked at me in askance.

“Well, what’s that?” My wife started to be possessive. It was not right. I was being fury inside somehow when I heard a protective voice of her.

“Don’t tell me that you’ve proposed him, Joshua.” My friends gasped in unison, even the bride of mine gripped my arm tightly as if she was mad if I proposed someone else before her. It’s like she stole someone’s groom unintentionally, and she was holding her anger toward me.

I looked at Taehyung. “I did right, proposing him and making him happy yet jealous at the same times. What mistake that I did so I lose him again in this life?”

My bride started to whine over it, while my ear was deafening at that times. I opened the little box. The ring was there. My mind was going wild.

I shifted my feet to find an answer. I heard the guest, my family, my friends and the bride shouting my name to get back to the church. I’m sorry, mom, dad. I needed to find him.

Forty days after that,

My family and in-law nagged me a lot. They thought I never be serious with the marriage. Here I was, stared into his picture.

Jeonghan was passed away. He left me.

It was like a karma when I left him, in this life he left me for his turn. I thanked his family to put his smiley face near his ashes. He looked so free with that smile, seemed so happy eventually.

I wanted to follow him. I was so lonely here without my soulmate. “Jeonghan-ah, if I die now…”

A tear ran down on my cheek. “He is so happy when he is with you.” I glanced at the side. It was his sister. I bowed my head a bit.

“Congratulations, Shua, for your wedding.” Her voice was cold. Same like Jeonghan had. I never met his sister from the previous life. Yet in this life, I met his family. Silently I prayed for the next life. I hoped the string I prayed for, from the previous life, never got broken although Jeonghan had ever wished to not meet me just because of my soft side.

I looked up at the ceiling.

Eighty days after that,

People gathered in front the rack where Jeonghan’s ash was put on. One of them dragged his ashes to another rack. There had been already my ash. Many people had come all the way, giving a tribute to send two person who ever deeply in love but had to be separated eventually they got to the same rack, even it’s their ashes. My wife did not want to come — due she was embarrassed because in the end she was not the one I loved and married for a reason in the name of love while she had a crush on me, I knew it.

Why I knew it all?

Because in the end, I had to find him again for the next life. He was hiding somewhere to wait his turn while I myself, in the soul form, swayed to see the last time where my ash would be reunited with Jeonghan’s before I took a real leave to somewhere in peace meantime waiting for the third time for reborn again. Reborn as I was reborn to find and fulfil deity’s will based on my pray to get Jeonghan’s and made him happy until the end of my lifetime.

to be continued

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